The Answers to Life, The Universe, and Chickens
by Psychoanalysis
Summary: What happens when a bunch of characters from DWJ's books meet? Where did those aliens come from? Where did the Evil Dust Bunny disappear to? And why is everyone so obsessed with those ducklings?
1. ATTACK OF LORD DARKWICH!

DISCLAIMER: I own none of the characters in this story. They are all the work of Diana Wynne Jones, who is a literary genius. I think that you will all agree with me if you are reading this.

"Oh, man" Chrestomanci said. "I knew that letting kids stay here might be a hassle. But once they've turned into teenagers? Well, it was more than I was prepared for.

"Dear, It's OK. We all were once like that too, remember? And old Gabriel de Witt was constantly mad at us" Millie said, comfortingly.

But they were unaware of what other dangers there lurked besides teenagers...

DUN DUN DUN!!

Cat, Janet (who, I'm glad to say as an author of my own story, got to use what little magic Gwendolyn was born with), Roger, and Julia, were all at the train station, meeting Tonio Montana (who hadn't been to visit in a while) and the famous Angelica Petorocci, of whom they had heard much of from Tonio's stories.

"It's so great to see you again, Tonio," said Cat

"Yeah. You've to tell us of your new adventures" Janet added.

"And to introduce us to your friend" said Julia, even though they all knew who she was, being witches (who were obviously psychic).

"This," said Tonio in his slight Italian accent, "Is Angelica."

"Hello," the girl Angelica said in her heavier Italian accent.

"Angelica," Tonio said, "This is-"he pointed them out one-by-one"-Cat, Janet, Julia, and Roger."

So as they started making their way back to the Castle, they got to know

one another.

And so did the Shadow following them.

"Mig," said Chris, "What is it with you and happy endings?"

"I told you, why should something be truer just because it's unhappy?" Mig replied

"I don't know. It just is!"

While Mig and her brother, Chris, were arguing, Luke showed up.

"Hey, have you seen a brown-haired teenage boy come past here recently?" he asked. Because he was a god, and time is confusing where gods are concerned, Mig and Chris hadn't met him yet. But he knew exactly who they were.

"Umm, no. Sorry" said Chris. And then he and Mig got back to happily arguing about happy endings.

"David!" Luke yelled. Chris and Mig turned around to see their neighbor, David, walking towards Luke. With him was a girl who gave off the same aura as Luke.

"Hey, David," said Chris. He wondered how these strange aura-giving people knew him.

"Chris, Mig, I'd like you to meet Luke and (a/n: do you know what Loki's wife's first name is? I'm using Lana. From _8 Days of Luke_) Lana. Luke, Lana-Chris and Mig." David said.

"Hey, you guys wanna see a cool trick I learned?" asked Luke. David rolled his eyes, obviously knowing what Luke was up to.

_He seems...not human. And mischievous_ thought Mig.

"Sure" said Chris, and Luke grinned. Lana, like David, rolled her eyes.

And suddenly, near the brick wall where they were all standing, they saw colorful pictures made of fire. Wonderful pictures that had them all mezmorized.

Suddenly, Sirius apperared with Kathleen next to him. They were talking about luminaries and stars and companions. Sirius had decided, _finally,_ that his next companion would be Kathleen. She had, after all, helped keep him alive during his sentince on Earth as a puppy. He felt he had to pay back the favor.

Anyway, they showed up in the middle of Luke's fire-picture show.

"What's going on here?_ Luke??_" said Sirius.

"Hey Sirius, long time no see" replied Luke, not talking his eyes off the wall where the pictures were.

"Yeah. How've you been up? Last I heard, Thor finally got his hammer back."

"Yeah, thanks to David here," replied Luke

"Hey Lana, you been keeping Luke in line?" Sirius asked the red-haired girl.

"Yeah." She turned to Kathleen. "Hi, I'm Lana. This is Luke-"he waved"-and...David, Chris, and Mig." She pointed them all out.

"Hallo. I'm Kathleen," Kathleen replied. How did Sirius know these people, anyway? Wait a minute...Luke and Lana weren't human. They were gods!

_Well, I have to keep in mind that I'm now one, too. Well, a luminary, anyway,_ she thought.

"Chris, Mig, David, this is Sirius and Kathleen. They're luminaries," said Luke. Lana didn't really seem big on talking.

"Yeah, so...wait. Who the hell are you?" said Chris.

The thing stopped. "I AM LORD DARKWHICH. BOW DOWN TO ME" it said.

"Where is Antony when you need him?" Mig asked her brother. "He could make that dust bunny (a/n: yes, it is a dust bunny. I am the Author and I can make whatever the hell I want happen!) go join Aunt Maria. It'd be something new for her."

Chris burst out laughing. "There you go with your happy endings again, Mig. This time, it's something easy to take care of and gives Maria something new to boss around."

The others, clearly never having been part of the story, just looked at each other in wonder.

"HEY I AM LORD DARKWHICH. ARE YOU GUYS EVEN LISTIENING TO ME?" the dust bunny shouted. And everyone ignored shim (a/n: yes it is a shim, as I said before, I am the Author and I can make whatever the hell I want happen)


	2. Evil Llamas are out to get you!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. Except for the evil dust bunny. You can have shim if you're gonna sue me. Just let me write him out, first...

ANYWAY, BACK TO THE STORY...

The evil dust bunny suddenly went poof and disappeared, leaving them all with a feeling of dread that it would return. But then they shrugged and thought, "well, sucks to be whoever has to deal with it"

"doooooo" says the magical vacuum cleaner of doom

The evil dust bunny suddenly reappeared at a _Charmed_ cast party.

"Damn" one of the actresses said. "Too bad I don't _really_ have supernatural powers, otherwise I could get rid of that little-" BLEEP!

"Damn, this is the wrong place. I can't advertise evil here! These people don't have any magic powers!" The evil dust bunny (a/n: its now being shortened to "EDB". OK? Good.). And then, suddenly, splat ('poof' is so boring, don't you think?) he disappeared. And he reappeared the middle of Mitt's camp in Dalemark.

"Hey, you're a king. Come with me and join LORD DARKWHICH IN TAKING OVER THE WORLDS!!!!!!!!!" The EDB said. Well, actually, he yelled it.

"Flaming Ammet! Stupid mages..." Mitt muttered (hey that's a tongue twister. Mitt muttered, Mitt muttered, Mitt muttered...). And then he said something and the EDB turned into an evil llama, spitting the Spit Of Doom on to innocent people.

"Wow, that was random," said Navis, appearing behind Mitt.

"Tell me about it. Jeez, Kankrendin never rests, does he?" Answered Mitt.

Suddenly, it started to rain. And then it started to hail. And then it started to rain cats and dogs. Literally.

"Ammet, the weather up in the North is screwy," Mitt said.

"Hey the evil llama is getting annoying, so I'm taking it out of the story," the narrator said.

"Hey, is that the One?" The dumb blonde said.

"Where the hell did you come from?" Navis asked. Then, the dumb blonde disappeared. And so did the evil llama.

"There, that's better," said the narrator.

And then booong we changed the story on you. Ha ha. It was getting to be too boring.

"Hey, is it just me, or is someone following us?" Tonio whispered to his friends.

"No, I feel it too..." Janet said. In addition to Gwendolyn's magic, she had her own that she was born with. But no one else knew it.

"Let's just carry on as normal, why don't we?" said Cat. This was freaking him out- Gwendolyn's magic (which was now Janet's, actually) shouldn't have been strong enough to detect something like that shadow that he saw out of the corner of his eye.

So they kept talking, even though the thought of something following them was unnerving. (Ha! Use that as a vocab word, why doesn't anyone?)

"BOO!" something yelled, and they all jumped.

"What the-?" Julia said

"Ha ha! Made you look!" shouted the narrator.

"Maledicado, quello era spaventoso. Che cosa in nome del hell...?" Tonio said in a burst of Italian. (a/n: look it up. Its actually pretty interesting. If you have AIM then IM the bot SmarterChild and tell it to translate that...evil laff)

"JUST LOOSE IT! HA HA HA HA HA! YEAH LOOSE IT! HA HA HA HA HA! GO CRAZY! HA HA HA HA HA! YEAH BABY! HA HA ! YEAH BABY! HA HA! BABY! HA HA!" some random rapper started rapping (actually, it's Eminem. The song "Just Loose It." Wow, that song makes me laugh...)

"Yah know what? Screw this! I don't want Eminem-"the narrator started to say.

"Is that that guy's name? Eminem? Does he do parties?" Janet yelled. She had been feeling very lonely from her world, having not been there in a while.

"Yeah. ANYWAY, I don't want Eminem to be here rapping anymore. You should listen to me play 'Carol of the Bells' on piano. Man, that is a cool song. DOO doo doo doo, DOO doo doo doo!" The narrator said. Then she took a piano out of her pocket (man, that'd be cool if we could just magically take huge, random things out of our pockets...) and started playing "Carol of the Bells." Then....

Sorry, you'll have to wait till next time to hear more! I have another fanfic I gotta work on ("Claidi Journal 5: Wolf Goddess." It's in the Claidi Journals section, if anyone cares to know.) PLEASE send me comments and stuff!! PLEASE!!! I would really appreciate it!


	3. Well, that was brief

**Disclaimer**: I don't own any of these characters. They all belong to Diana Wynne Jones, who is the coolest author ever (in my opinion, which is a very important one 'cuz im writing this story).

**Thank you** to my reviewers. If you're reading this and not reviewing, then please do so. I want to know what other people think of this. _PLEEEEEASE?_

Then…the narrator decided to stop playing "Carol of the Bells" because she got bored. She (the narrator) has a short attention span and probably has ADD, but that's not important… So she wrote in Greenday coming and singing the song "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" (that song totally rocks in my world. Just thought you'd all like to know). And…

"PARTY!!" Chris yelled. "Greenday is totally awesome, for and American band anyway!!" (a/n: if you're British and you're reading this, do you honestly CARE whether or not the band is American? I know this one girl who got mad at me and my friend for just being American and…And now back to the show)

So then this totally random teen night club popped up out of nowhere, and everyone started dancing. All right, this is getting boring. (See? Told you my attention span is short.)

"Ahhh!!" screamed Mitt. "What the…?" BTW, what WAS IT??? OK, I'll tell you. You don't have to guess. I'm letting you off…this time cackles evilly.

It was…a big UFO! Actually, as it flew closer to Mitt's camp, he, Navis, Maewin, and Moril saw that it was a flying saucer. And it wasn't a hoax. This time it was actually making crop circles. Well, not actual _circles_, more like writing.

"¡LA HA HA, SOMOS LA GRUPA QUE LAMEN A EXTRANJEROS Y ESTAMOS HACIA FUERA HACER CIRCULOS DE LA COSECHA EN TODOS LOS PLANETAS! ¡HAHA! ¡BWJMAMAJHAHAJA!" The markings said. They had to have Sirius go up and ask Sol what the markings said, so that they could start to understand what was going on (a/n: wait. When did Sirius appear in the COD story? Can someone help me with that? I'll put that in and give you credit. Please?) Then, they had me, the author, who takes Spanish class (yes, the writing is Spanish) translate it. Wait. That doesn't really make sense…oh well. The author translated it. Wanna know what it says? I'll tell you next time because…I want it to be a surprise. Unless you want to look it up…

Sorry, folks, that's all we have time for today. This episode was brought to you by the letter '8.' Thank you.

CREDITS BEGIN ROLLING NOW


	4. Brought to you by TOFU!

Disclaimer- I don't own any of these characters. They belong to Diana Wynne Jones, who is totally rockin'. But if I did, more would be band geeks. So please don't sue me, because I would like to keep my band music. Oh, ok, you can have "Chorale and Shaker Dance II" cuz that's a stupid song.

Well, the author forgets what the stuff in Spanish said. She thinks it said something about aliens tagging every planet in the galaxy, but she's not completely sure. So, we'll just continue like nothing happened.

"You have come here in pursuit of your deepest urge, in pursuit of that wish, which till now has been silent, silent . . ." sang Mitt.

"Wait, wait, wait-which part of the story am I in?" asked the Author. She gets confused a lot, so this is completely normal and NOT a drill. "Dalmark Quartet people go over there-" she pointed left-"Chrestomanci Quartet, go that way-" she pointed right-" and everyone else, DO THE CHICKEN DANCE!" So they did the chicken dance, as the Chrestomanci and Dalmark people got mad because they didn't get to do the chicken dance.

"I have brought you, that our passions may fuse and merge - in your mind you've already succumbed to me dropped all defences completely succumbed to me - now you are here with me: no second thoughts, you've decided, decided . . ." sang Mitt. "Past the point of no return - no backward glances: the games we've played till now are at an end . . . Past all thought of "if" or "when" - no use resisting: abandon thought, and let the dream descend . . .What raging fire shall flood the soul? What rich desire unlocks its door? What sweet seduction lies before us . . .? Past the point of no return, the final threshold - what warm, unspoken secrets will we learn? Beyond the point of no return . . ."

"You have brought me to that moment where words run dry, to that moment where speech disappears into silence, silence . . .I have come here, hardly knowing the reason why . . .In my mind, I've already imagined our bodies entwining defenseless and silent - and now I am here with you: no second thoughts, I've decided, decided . . . Past the point of no return - no going back now: our passion-play has now, at last, begun . . . Past all thought of right or wrong - one final question: how long should we two wait, before we're one . . .? When will the blood begin to race the sleeping bud burst into bloom? When will the flames, at last, consume us . . .?" sang Maewin, as Mitt played his cwiddler.

"Wait, when did we start singing from the Phantom of the Opera?" asked Kankrendin.

"SHH! We're singing!" Yelled Mitt. "Past the point of no return the final threshold - the bridge is crossed, so stand and watch it burn . . . We've passed the point of no return . . ." he and Maewin both sang together.

And now, we will check up on our friends from the Chrestomanci Quartet.

"Automatic supersonic hypnotic funky fresh, Work my body so melodic, This beat flows right through my chest, Everybody ma and pappi came to party, Grab somebody, Work your body, work your body, Let me see you 1,2 step!" Janet was singing. She and Angelica were singing "1, 2, Step" by Missy Elliot and Ciara. Janet was being Ciara, and Angelica was Missy. Of course.

"If you've never heard that song, go listen to it. Right now," said the loveable Author.

"Rock it, don't stop it, everybody get on the floor crank the party up, we about to get it on, let me see ya 1, 2 step I love it when ya1, 2 step everybody 1, 2 step we about to get it on!" they both sang.

"I shake it like jello, make the boys say hello, cause they know I'm rockin' the beat, I know you heard about a lot of great MC's, but they ain't got nothing on me, because I'm 5 foot 2, I wanna dance with you, and I'm sophisticated fun, I eat filet mignon, and I'm nice and young, best believe I'm number one (oh)" sang Angelica on her solo

"Whoo-hoo!" yelled Tonio from the audience. He'd been in love with Angelica for some time, and even though he'd told no one, every one knew except for him and Angelica (a/n: do I sense some upcoming Fluff?). Just your typical love story.

So they're all having fun in their musical lives, and so are the Dalemark people. So let's go see what the "others" are doing, shall we?

"Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee, lousy with virginity, won't go to bed till I'm legally wed, I can't, I'm Sandra Dee," sang Mig

"Watch it, hey, I'm Doris Day, I was not brought up that way, won't come across, even Rock Hudson lost his heart to Doris Day." That right there was Kathleen singing, and wow. No comment on that from the Author.

"Don't drink or swear, I won't rat my hair, I get ill from one cigarette, keep your filthy paws off my silky drawers. Would you pull that crap with Annette?" Lana (a/n: she's still Lana. I'm too lazy to change her name) sang in a graceless solo.

"As for you, Troy Donahue, I know what you wanna do. You got your crust, I'm no object of lust, I'm just plain Sandra Dee" Mig sang again.

"Elvis, Elvis, let me be, keep that pelvis far from me. Just keep your cool, now you're starting to drool," Kathleen sang again, holding that last note longer than she was supposed to.

"Hey, fungu, I'm Sandra Dee!" They all sang together.

And that, my friends and readers and whatever else you are, is what happens when you combine Diana Wynne Jones.

And this week's/month's episode was brought to you by TOFU! Has anyone seen those kick-rump stickers from PETA? I want one on a shirt. I'm going to cover my binder in them ;-).

Chandra


	5. Yreka Zzyzx, California

**Disclaimer**—I do not happen to own any of these wonderful characters. Diana Wynne Jones happens to own them all. DWJ—1 Chandra—0.

RECAP—Just so you all know, this is more for the author's sake, I think, because the author has AD-HEY LOOK A BIRD! So, in the previous installment, everyone was just chillin' and singin' and rappin' y'all. Okay, okay, I'm stopping with the bad writing-accent-thing. Down in Dalemark, they were gettin' down wit PotO (Phantom of the Opera for those of you not as obsessed as The Author is). Out in Chrestomanci's world, they were chillin' to 1, 2, Step by Ciara and Missy Elliot. And everyone else in their random world were bustin' a move with that song from Grease—"Sandra Dee." Yep. And that's the recap.

A'ight, just so that this is clear: I have included characters from Charmed Life, The Magicians of Caprona, The Dalemark Quartet, Eight Days of Luke, Dogsbody, Aunt Maira, and The Ogre Downstairs. I think. I might have missed a book or two. If I have, tell me por favor.

"We should have another karaoke night sometime soon," Janet remarked to Angelica. Angelica nodded in agreement. "_Si, si_, that was very fun."

"Wait, wait," Tonio said. "Back up. I thought we were dead!"

"Well, we _were_ dead, until The Author showed her ugly face up here again and gave us life," Roger put in.

"Hey, I have the SUPREME POWER here, Roge. Watch what 'chu say," The Author said. "I have the ONE KEYBOARD TO RULE THEM ALL."

"Doesn't that belong in the LOTR section?" asked Cat.

"Oh yeah…" The Author said, a look of realization dawning on her face. "Continue, continue."

"So we really do need to do the karaoke thing," Janet said. "Maybe we could do that for our Sweet Sixteens?"

"Sweet Sixteens?"

"Yeah, you know, where a person turns sixteen, and they get to throw a huge party and stuff," Janet explained. She noticed everyone giving her a weird look. "What, you guys don't have Sweet Sixteens here?" she asked.

Everyone shook their heads. "What is wrong with you guys!" Janet said exasperatedly. "A Sweet Sixteen is, like, the highlight of a teenager's life. Whatever, no matter. We're still having one huge one."

"Since when do we do huge parties?" asked Cat.

"Since now, duh," Janet said. "Sigh I wish I could go back to my original world…just see how my parents are and how what's-her-face—Romilla—are all doing. And all of my old friends…" she stared off into the distance, a far-away look on her face. (No, really).

"Thinking about your home?" asked Tonio sympathetically.

"Not really, no," Janet answered. "Thinking about how bangin' cool a witch's Sweet Sixteen would be."

So, out in the land of Dalemark, the crew was having a fun time trying to figure out what had happened to the Spanish-speaking aliens and why they'd all suddenly been possessed to sing.

"I'm telling you, it's all Kankrendin's doing!" exclaimed Mitt.

"No, surely not, it's got to be those damn ducklings!" sighed Navis. "I told Amanda to leave them at home!" he muttered.

"Who's Amanda?" asked Maewin.

"N-no one," said Navis. He has a 'shit-did-I-just-say-that-aloud' look on his face.

Everyone gave him a _look_. An 'I-know-what-you-did-last-summer' look.

Navis's eyes bugged out. "You _know?_" he said, panicked. "No one was supposed to know! Legolas swore he wouldn't say a thing!"

"Who's Legolas?" asked Maewin. "Wait, isn't he that guy from Lord of the Rings?"

"Well—yes."

"How'd you two meet?"

"We—uh—we—well, I, uh, got him to help us keep the magic ducklings under control," Navis admitted.

"What magic ducklings?" Mitt asked suspiciously.

"Y-you know," Navis said nervously. "The ones involved with the Spanish-speaking aliens."

A look of realization dawned on everyone's faces. "OH! THOSE DUCKLINGS!" they all said in clichéd unison.

"Yep, those ducklings," a non-echoing voice said.

"That was pretty cool," said Lana. "Ya gotta admit, that was pre-t-t-y cool." She stretched the word 'pretty' out like Californians do—prounouncing every letter.

Just kidding. It's actually us New Englanders that speak too fast. To survive out here, you need to learn how to understand people talking like chipmunks on crack. It's a fascinating study, really. Called rodentoncrackology.

Just kidding, I made that up.

"Heck yes!" Kathleen said, giggling. Sirius watched her with a small smile on his face, glad that she hadn't freaked out at him, like she did in some fanfics.

All of the people there of the maculine gender gave them weird looks as the girls acted like they had just drunk a 12-pack of Pepsi each.

"So, Mig, is this your happy ending?" Chris asked, hoping to calm his sister down. It's a rather scary thing when your younger sister acts like she's on something illegal, you know. Reader nods agreeingly

"Yes, it is for now," Mig said with a laugh. Chris rolled his eyes and walked off, presumably to get the hell out of this psycho fanfic.

A cell phone rang. Everyone stopped suddenly and rummaged through their pockets, looking for the right one.

"Kathleen—" Sirius said. He held up an ugly yellow cell phone, as big as one from the 80's. "It's _this_ one."

She nodded in realization, and said, "_That_ one."

They flew off into the stars, with everyone watching.

"What the—" David began.

"David," Luke said, "They're luminaries. Who knows where they're headed, or if they'll even get there this century."

David nodded, then said, "So, any chance of a pizza being ordered?"

Somewhere in the middle of Yreka Zzyzx, California, five children popped out of nowhere.

And yes, Yreka Zzyzx, California is a real town.

"Ow…where are we?" Malcolm asked.

"Dunno," replied Caspar.

"Are Mom and Jack here?" Gwinny asked.

"Nope," replied Johnny.

"So we're…" began Caspar.

"All alone," finished Douglas.

"Welp, this is fun," said Malcolm. "No Dad, no Sally, no magic chemistry set."

"Don't forget stuck in the middle of nowhere," added Gwinny.

"Actually…" said Douglas, seeing the huge billboard that they all somehow missed before, "It's Yreka Zzyzx, California."

"How the hell do you pronounce that?" asked Capsar.

"Yreka Zzyzx," answered Douglas proudly.

"Yer-eka Zzzzz-i-zz-ks," tried Malcolm.

"Yray-k Zyzix," attempted Johnny.

"Yah-ray-kah Zixixy," cracked Gwinny.

"Amakfjk Iiofd," ventured Caspar. Everyone turned to look at him. "What?" he asked.

The blinked.

"Oh, I get it, you're all just jealous because I prounounced it right and the rest of you didn't!" he said.

Another round of blinking.

"What, then?"

So, I guess that's all! This, uh, year's episode was brought to you by BROCCOLI! Eat your leafy greens, peeps!

Anyways, I'm really sorry about not updating for, like, a year. Okay, more than a year. A year and almost two months. Wow. That's a long time. But my computer decided that it was going to crash and delete all of my files, and then I was lazy and didn't bother to update. But I did! Yay! Point for Chandra! And points to all of my reviewers!

Let's name them since Chandra is that cool: lupusregina, Derdeka, Morningside for Life, Adora Bell Dearheart, silversilk, and Seregwen Morthil! Thank you all!


	6. Mordion Can't Dance!

**Disclaimer**—I do not happen to own any of these characters. Well, unless I decide to make one up. But I don't think that I will. Well, maybe I will. I'm on a caffeine high right now, actually, so there's no telling what I'll do. –_Collapses into spazztic laughter_-

Actually, I'm just updating this because I really don't want to do my bio homework, which involves me taking notes out of the book on the pee system. Hello, do I LOOK like I want to learn about the pee system? No. And neither do you.

* * *

REINER HEXWOOD OFFICES  
Somewhere in the middle of the galaxy 

"So, wait, what's going on with Earth?" Vierran asked dully.

"Not another bannus problem, right?" asked Martin.

"Thankfully, no," said Hume.

"Well, good," Mordion said.

"But we still have to all go out there," Hume said.

There was cursing in various languages as the other Reiners realized what was being asked of them.

"NOT EARTH AGAIN!"

* * *

"So…what are we doing out in Californa?" asked Gwinny. 

"Having a party?" Casper answered.

"Good idea, let's," agreed Johnny. Some music started playing, and some balloons appeared.

"Whooo, California beach party!" yelled Gwinny.

"Except that this isn't California," said Malcom.

"Shut up, no one cares."

"Fine."

There was some silence, even though the music started playing on. And by silence I mean silence between the characters. Not total silence. Like I said, the music kept playing on. It was "Everytime we Touch" by Cascada, just in case you were dying to know. Then:

"This party sucks."

* * *

"So where are we going?" Kathleen asked Sirius as they whisked away through time and space. 

"To some random town called…I can't even pronounce it. Y-R-E-K-A Z-Z-Y-Z-X, California."

"Why?"

"Well, some kids were in need of excitement for their dance party next to a billboard," Sirius replied sensibly.

"Oh." Kathleen blinked. "I thought it might be to rescue them or something like that."

"Now why would we do a thing like that, m'dear? They are clearly in need of more fun at their dance party."

"I don't know…" Kathleen said. They were both silent for a moment. "But shouldn't we have brought along, I don't know, Luke or David or someone? If they want more fun. We should have brought along more people."

"Nah, we're leaving that up to the Reiners."

"What?"

"The Reiners. Some other random group of people that help rule the universe. On a different level than ourselves, obviously."

"Oh, okay."

* * *

"So where exactly are we going again?" asked Vierran tiredly. 

"Vie, you really should pay more attention. We're going to Yreka Zzyzx, California," Mordion answered calmly.

"But why?"

"Easy," Hume put in as a robot measured him for Earth clothing. "We need to fix up some kids' boring dance party. And maybe kidnap some random other unsuspecting victims while we're at it."

"Oh."

"And joining a couple of luminaries, if I'm correct," Hume added. "Now, everyone here knows Earthspeak, right?"

"Duh. We were all around for the Bannus," said Vierran.

"Right. So as long as we all remember that, we should all be okay." Hume looked around at people looking away awkwardly. "You mean you don't remember any Earthspeak?"

A chorus of "Uhs," "ums" and "wells" sounded from the other five Reiners.

"For gods' sakes, guys, tell someone next time!"

_

* * *

'Cause every time we touch, I get this feeling _

_And every time we kiss I swear I can fly,_

_Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last_

_I need you by my side_

"This is a rather boring dance party…" muttered Malcom as he and his siblings/stepsiblings sat around in boring despair.

"Yeah…" Johnny agreed.

_"It's 6:26 PM. Do you know where your kids are?"_

"Who said that?" Gwinny asked, her head shooting up.

"Not I," replied Casper.

"Nor I," added Malcom.

"Or Douglas or I," added Johnny.

_"Sorry guys, a screw-up on the author's part. Carry on!"_

"Will you come join our dance party?" Gwinny shouted.

_"No, I'm too busy writing this damn thing!"_

"Jeeeeeez, forget I asked…" muttered Gwinny as she sat down again in boredom.

"Hey guys, what's that?"

* * *

"So now that we've all refreshed ourselves in Earthspeak," Hume began, talking in Earthspeak just to make sure that they all understood, "We're on our way to Earth now." 

"To make a dance party fun?" asked Martin.

"To make a dance party fun," confirmed Hume.

"Why do we have to do it?" whined Mordion.

"What?" replied Hume.

"Why do we have to do this? Make a dance party fun, I mean," said Mordion. "Can't we do something easy, like sort out racial conflicts between two warring, impossible alien races?"

"Because it gives us a chance to break out of the norm and do something _nice_ for people," said Vierran. "Duh."

"Oh. Right," Mordion said. He made a face. "I still don't get it, though."

The other four Reiners rolled their eyes. "Dude, we just go down there in our Earth party clothes, bring some balloons, a good DJ, and some food—remember, it has to be non-alcoholic, since there will be people under the legal American drinking age there—and have fun," Martin explained for him.

"But—"

"Mordion," Vierann said eerily camly.

"What?"

"Please stop talking."

* * *

"We should be arriving in three…two…one…" Sirius muttered to himself as they neared the bland desert and billboard where the so-called 'party' was. 

"Watch out for the—" Kathleen shouted a second too late.

**KABLOOOIEKJSDLFKJSLDKJSLDKFJLSDKJ!**

"Ouch," Kathleen muttered as she sat up in a strange man's lap. "Do I know you?"

* * *

"We should be arriving soon, sir," the worried pilot said to Hume. 

"Good, thank you," Hume said. The pilot left, and so Hume said to the others, "You ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," muttered Vierran.

"Yep," said Martian.

"Uh-huh," said Arthur.

"Wait, I still don't know what's going on," said Mordion. Everyone else ignored him.

"We will shall be there in three…two…one…" a voice was heard over the intercom. Then:

"OH SNAP!"

They all bounced around while the ship and something else tumbled around. "Ouch, ouch, o wow owowowowowoowowowowowoowow…" someone said.

"Well, this makes the party more exciting," a young girl's voice said.

* * *

"My name's Mordion, ma'am, and I still don't know what the hell is going on," the strange man said to Kathleen as they picked themselves up. 

"Well, I'm here with Sirius to help liven up some dance party," she said.

"Ah, so you're the luminary?" he asked her.

"Well, Sirius is the real luminary. I'm just the luminary-in-training."

"The L-I-T. The _lit_. I like that. It matches the whole luminary-idea," he said.

"Um, thanks."

They stood their awkwardly for a minute.

"Want to go find the party?" Kathleen asked.

"Good idea," Mordion replied.

* * *

Sirius picked himself up and started looking for Kathleen. "Dammit," he muttered when he realized that she'd lost herself again. "I _knew_ that I should have taken that other route to get here…" 

"Hello? Luminary?" a voice sounded from behind him. Sirius spun around. "Yes?" he replied politely.

"Ah, good, we understand each other. I'm Hume. One of the Reiners?" the man replied.

"Oh, right. You're also here to help us out with the party," Sirius said. "How do you do?" He stuck out his hand.

"I'm quite fine, thanks," said Hume, wondering what the hell the luminary wanted with his hand. Oh, good, he put it down.

"So…where's the rest of your crew? I was told that all five of you would be coming," said Sirius.

"Somewhere admist these ruins," Hume said. "Along with the DJ, the balloons, the food, and the rest of the party stuff. MARTIN! VIERRAN! MORDION! ARTHUR!" Hume called. "WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?"

"This is, uh, quite the mess we made…" said Sirius awkwardly. He wished that he could go find Kathleen.

"OVER HERE!" a voice sounded from the far side of the rubble heap. "Good, that must be closer to where the party is," said Hume. "Come along now, luminary."

Sirius followed him, hoping that Kathleen was there, too.

They made their way over and found a group of children and a woman dragging another man out. A third man was standing nearby.

"Martin, how did you get stuck under there?" Hume asked.

"Duh, the ship crashed," the man said. The group finally got him out.

"Soooooooo…" Vierran began. "Where is Mordion?"

"Probably wandering around hoplessly in the desert somewhere," said Martin.

"Probably," agreed Vierran. "Who're you?" she asked Sirius.

"Sirius. I'm a luminary."

"Oh. Do you know where Mordion is? He was hopelessly clueless about this whole thing," she said dejectedly.

"Nope. I wish I could tell you," Sirius said.

"Aw."

Kathleen and Mordion vaporized from where they were and reappeared next to Sirius and Vierran right then. Because the author got tired of them being hopelessly clueless in the desert.

"Sirius!" Kathleen said as she ran over and hugged him. "Get this psycho man away from me, _please_," she hissed into his ear.

"I assume that's Mordion?" he asked Vierran.

"Yep."

There was awkward silence among the whole group. Then…

"What are we waiting for? Let's get this party started!"

* * *

_Now, for a word from the author: pteronophobia._

_This episode of_ The Answers to Life, The Universe, and Chickens_ was brought to you by: feathers. Thank you._


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